In the process of exposing this hidden program I am risking my life, if one day I have been wiped off the face of the planet, someone please look after my sock baby Jill.
Squirrels, pigeons, dolphins, and bears, at first these animals have nothing in common other than the fact that they are all titty milk drinking animals. But once we peel back the curtain and take a deeper look into their exploits do we find odd coincidences: a group of squirrels at Instagram's headquarters clutching a maroon gift bag that says we love our vets, a handful of dolphins by the shore of clear water beach appearing to be talking to a flock of pigeons on the encroaching palm trees- more likely strategizing, or a grizzly bear in black tie next to a thick, juicy, squirrel yet restrain their jaw from enveloping that fluffy tail. On their own these coincidences could be chalked up to just that coincidence except for the recurring record of similar events occurring over the past couple of decades. Thus, the discovery of a bigger conspiracy among the U.S armed forces, in which, the unassuming squirrels? We are army generals, while pigeons. Air Force tacticians. Dolphins? Naval Intelligence. And finally, the bears. Marine's commanders.
These brave animals have helped stop countless wars that could have been recorded in our history books. Ever heard of the war of the purple dinosaur? No? Well, that is because these brave soldiers murdered Barney the purple dinosaur before he could brain wash innocent children into building a portal to his homeland with the aim of gathering troops to take over the World. Always wondered how a country like the U.S was able to win every major battle? It was all thanks to the animal corps. Remember, Amelia Earhart who challenged the careful designed status quo as she was indirectly encouraging women to stop making sandwiches for their husbands? The pigeons crashed her plane and once she fell into the ocean the dolphins had to eat her. Ever craved McDonald’s out of nowhere? Thats the squirrels sending subliminal messages while in your proximity so that people can eat the McNuggets made from their mortal enemies, the rats. Pigeons once abandoned by humanity now command the skies. Replacing the beloved Eagles after their mysterious decline in IQ. Might be a coincidence but it is more likely sabotage so the pigeons could rule the Air force with an iron claw and a scat kink. And the bears? Their extraordinary service allowed them diplomatic immunity, releasing them to eat their fill of honey and humans. Californians, being the freaks that they are, even honored their founding general Winny the pooh with a flag and an unrealistic fictional cartoon so no one would get suspicious. This long-standing contract also allows these animals to get annual tickets to any amusement part of their choosing -Universal, Lego land, Disney world- as well as quarterly vacations to the four seasons in the Swiss alps. But this was not all the contract allowed. In return for their service these animals can also reign mayhem across the U.S. Squirrels in the streets making people swerve into bushes, is their version of reality TV. Dolphins curated a symbol of purity and charm, to get close enough to hump someone's leg and splash their own pee at people, manipulating them into being joyous if they receive any sort of attention from them. Pigeons pooping on anything they see, because of their innate marking and scat kink. And finally bears, who eat your food and later you, enjoy being able to eat anything they want with no consequences-aka they get to be big backs. The U.S acknowledges that without their help we would still be eating depressing beans on toast. So, if you come across one of these brave soldiers salute them for their service and if you try to salute one of the marines do not get too close to them, otherwise they will have you as their next meal. And I cannot be sued for any missing limbs, eyes, or lives in relation to this feat as this blog post absolves me of all legal responsibility.